Apparently, my stressing about the blog is over.

First of all, thanks to NG for the comment on last post, Ana on the Facebook, and all of you in person who have urged me to keep blogging. I think I'm done for the month about stressing of this blog. I really don't think what I have to say is going to jeopardize my career, but sometimes I get panicky. You know? I have a tendency to over analyze things and stress about being stressed. Okay, got that off my chest. Moving on...

Question: Would you rather have a son named Mary or a daughter named Burp? I can't decide. A boy named Sue is already a famous little diddy, so my son named Mary would at least have a song to identify with, but little Miss Burp? Please come to Burp's tea party! It's okay mom, I'm taking Burp to prom. Most Talented - Burp! I don't know what she would do.

Second question: When I say the words "Hunky Dory Bamboozle Mustard Pants", what does that make you think of? For me, it makes me want to write a song about a hot guy named Dory who got bamboozled into wearing pants with mustard on them. But then, that's just me. You probably have an entirely different and spiritual interpretation. OHMMM...MUSTAAAARD.

Another thing. When you are using quotation marks and then a piece of punctuation is needed, do you prefer to keep the (for example) comma ("word,") tucked nicely inside the quotes or out on its own("to your mama",)? I never really know which one is right.

Also, if your dog likes to play with anal beads, does that make her a little pervy? A little dirty girl?

I was going to explain the whole story to you, but then I decided that story would create way, way too much controversy and would involve mentioning people who are not even aware of this blog and may not like being singled out for giving me anal beads, SOOOO long story short:

I got some anal beads last Christmas as a gag gift (asked for funky jewelry, got funky beads instead), and the only use they have seen in the last two years is being casually hung on my Christmas tree right before throwing a party to see if anyone would notice, and hanging out in a drawer where I put other things I don't use, don't know what to do with them (can't really donate those beads to goodwill), and can't bring myself to throw them away.

I have put myself on puppy toy purchasing probation. I have discovered that since I am not buying clothes this semester, I have just channeled that drive into buying shoes, earrings, and since Betty's arrival - puppy toys. Every time I go to Wal-Mart or PetSmart, I buy her a little fun thing. And then I get home, and see all the other "fun little treats" that I have to pick up and put back in Betty's toy basket, and I kick myself for adding one more addition to the mess.

A couple of days ago, Betty was being unusually crazy and psycho - barking at the couch, nipping on my toes, running in circles chasing her little stub of a tail, and chewing on the edge of my fairly new, very pretty rug. I tried to tease her with her little lamb baby, her fuzzy porcupine (furcupine?), the brown chewie bone, the hairbrush (her all-time favorite toy), and even got her to "sit" a few times (her only training so far!). But no matter how many toys I flaunted or how many pieces of kibble I gave her for sitting, she would sit, get her treat or sniff the toy uninterested, and then resume being Tornado Betty.

I was getting pretty peeved, namely because I can only tolerate getting up and telling her NO! while pulling her away from the edge of the rug so many times and I started going thru drawers and cabinets trying to find something new to pique her interest. After pawing thru the drawer previously mentioned, I came across those famed gag gift anal beads (completely unused!). I paused, weighing the pros and cons of giving such a toy to my little puppy. On one hand, it is perfect for Betty's delicate little baby teeth - chewy but strong enough to withhold her gnawing. On the other hand, what kind of message am I sending to guests who come over and see a strand of anal beads innocuously placed in Betty's basket or more likely, just lying around on the floor? At this moment, Betty grabbed the cuff of my jeans, started growling playfully, and I handed it over.

Amazingly, she really liked the new toy and settled down for an hour of chew time. Finally -- Here I come, Oprah!

I thought her attachment to this toy would pass. Every other toy she has, she plays with for a few days, then ignores it, and only a few of the best rise to the top and are continually preferred by her. But no. Every day that I have come home since I introduced Miss Betty to le beads, she greets me at the door with some pretty purple beads in her mouth! What will I ever do if someone comes to visit? Like the landlord? How do I explain that one?

I had all these cute pictures of her chewing on her favorite new sex toy, and also some of her proudly showing off her new pink heart name tag, but my computer has suddenly decided to sporadically turn on, turn off, and turn on again. I think may have gotten a virus from looking at so much puppy porn lately. Dang porn! My computer is apparently boycotting my puppy and anal beads photo shoot. Maybe if I get it fixed, I'll post them, but I'm not making any promises.

Okay, hope ya'll have a great weekend. I'm off to Nashville to hang with the Knight and to attend yet another bachelorette party. Celebrating last nights of singledom is happening so much lately, I kind of would like to have a party celebrating not being single. You know, just to mix it up a bit.

Artsy Fartsy wants to know if wearing Betty's funky purple anal beads to the bachelorette party would be a good idea.


NG said...

Why not? I bet most people wouldn't know the difference between the big funky jewelry and anal beads. They might wonder about the teeth marks though.

joey said...

oh erica, you crack me up!

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