Thank Goodness She Didn't Pull Out The Tickle Me Elmo...

On Sunday, I went to my first sex toy party. Sure, the euphemistic name is all "Girls Night Out" or something like that, but let's be honest here - it was a sex toy party ... straight up. Just picture your typical Mary Kay or Pampered Chef party, but with sex swings and lube instead of cheese graters or mascara.

Daisy and Crazy Mitz went with me. In fact, it was Crazy Mitz's friend who was hosting the party. That was kind of awkward, too. Out of 12 women, I knew 3, and here I was having my toy-ginity taken away from me in front of all those giddy, mimosa lubricated witnesses.

But, really, it started off nicely enough. First, we all got our mimosas and primly sat around the living room, eyeing one another somewhat warily. We each had nametags with mortifying adjectives in front of our names. Kream in my Face Karen, Licky on the Dicky Nicky, Muff-Munching Megan. Yuck. I felt like I needed to wash my shirt after taking off my nametag. Next, our lady introduced herself and gave us a little background about her self. She is a divorcee' with a young daughter. She started selling sex toys after she got laid off at a bank. I guess she decided that playing naughty bank teller would be more fun if she got a discount on all her accessories.

She started by showing us what I'm told is considered the "soft stuff." Nice sprays, yummy lotions, and glitter. Stuff that you can buy at Victoria's Secret or the Body Shop. Fun pretty stuff. Then, she passed around the flavored lubes, numbing creams, and all kinds of things to tighten you up, loosen it out, or make it more tingly. Fascinating. Who knew there was so much stuff to put on your hoo-haa?

After that, she started passing around these cute little silver tubes called "the bullet." I mean, the "Bullet"? That is hilarious. The bullet seemed harmless enough. It was small, shiny, and pretty. Kind of like a sterling silver egg. After the bullet came all these accessories shaped like happy animals. These happy, silicone animals slipped over the bullet to stimulate different spots. They didn't seem too scary. Most of them had smiling faces and were pretty colors. Kind of like cute ipod skins for your vibrator.

Then, she moved to the big girl stuff. Yikes. I have to say, the dildos terrified me. I'm not really sure why. I think it disturbed me that everything was so siliconey, so colorful, so fakey and so battery operated. I was told by other guests that these dildos were good quality, so I'm not saying that the stuff was crappy. It was just so...foreign to me. You know that little symbol on the back of your laptop that indicates where you plug your iPod or jump drive in (the USB Port??)? Well, that little symbol is kind of what all these toys looked like. Kind of like a torture device for all your holes. EEEEEk! It was this part of the party that I'm sure I annoyed some people because I was so squirmy, shrugging my holders, wincing, and turning my head away. As if it pained me to look at the large penises. Which I guess it kind of did. Like I said, they all looked very scary.

Also, our lady used a lot of phrases like "crotchrot" and "dookshoot." I definitely could have done without that.

To me, the openness of the group was the most mystifying. In my experience, most women are uncomfortable about talking about the intimate details of their sexual escapades with a large group of close friends. It seems that those kind of talks only develop when its just a few close friends, in a small group. However, this didn't happen at that party. Strangers - perfect strangers - were willing to share tips, positions, personal experiences with no nervousness or embarassment at all.

Anyway, I am undecided how I feel about this sort of thing. On one hand, I appreciate that women in our society are embracing their sexuality. I think it is great that women my age aren't afraid to gather around with other friends (or strangers in my situation) to buy dildos, cock rings, and all sorts of sex stuff. I personally still struggle with the idea of sex as being "dirty." I think this feeling relates back to attending years and years of church youth conferences, "True Love Waits" classes, and being raised in an ultra-conservative Christian southern family. Getting married soothed some of that stigma, but going to a party like this still felt kind of wrong. And if not wrong, at least in the gray area between what's proper for a girl and what's not. Parties like this take away the "hush-hushiness" of sex and makes it something normal for all women. It's not just a man thing anymore.

On the other hand, having some strange lady tell me to put this cream on my nipple as casually as if she were giving me a sample of lip gloss is a tad unsettling. If you are going to tell me to put something on my nipple, I guess I want you to whisper and possibly pull me in the corner so that no one else hears you. That way, if I actually do follow your suggestion, I can just pretend like I'm itching, rather than testing out the "Boob Juice."


joey said...

You just need to watch Talk Sex with Sue! That's even creepier....watching an old lady discussing various sexual issues...

Anastasia said...

Oh gosh. Don’t feel bad. I’m pretty open with my sexuality, and will talk to both men and women about sex, but I once went to one of these parties, and dear goodness, they are downright creepy.

The first worst part is the giggling. Everyone giggles like they’re ten years old and just talked to a boy for the first time, prompting the questions a) have these people ever had sex? or b) Did these people ever reach a maturity level beyond the age of twelve?

Next is the woman presenting the stuff. She comes across as one of those frumpy desperate single types that can’t get a date and likes to shock people with her vulgarity. It’s not just you that feels queasy when she’s puts lube on her finger and invites you to taste it. The entire party you are mortified by the mental image of her actually playing with these toys in her leopard print underwear. Again you wonder, do these people ever have good sex or sex at all?

Um, third, when did sex become a flippin’ carnival show? For me, sex is about intimacy and physical expression…or at the very least, a stress release. It is most definitely not about glow in the dark silicone accessories. I can’t think of a time where these types of objects would in any way add to the experience unless maybe it was Halloween and the two of us were feeling really punchy and goofy in addition to drunk.

So, don’t worry about feeling freaked out – I don’t come from a religious background like yours; I think sex is a beautiful form of expression and not at all dirty or bad, and these parties make me want to run out of the room screaming like my hair is on fire. Maybe these items work for some people, but I’ll stick with the old fashion methods – like talking really, really dirty. (Hee-hee)

erikaboo said...

Ana - you totally nailed it on the desperate vulgar woman who probably does use all her glow in the dark accesories while prancing around in her leopard print panties. Ew.

Thanks for the validation - I luff you!

And Joey, I luff you too! As for the sex TV show, yes I did watch it a couple of times. Although Lipscomb censored MTV and BET, they still let Oxygen and all its sexiness through. Old girl is crazy, but still not as openly vulgar and tacky as our lady.

joey said...

Sigh, I suppose you're right...though I won't ever get to compare since these types of parties are gender restricted.

Anonymous said...

You might find it funny that I went to the extremes to spell check an anonymous post on your blog that you might never read. I don’t always do things for reader’s sake, sometimes I write for my own. Which ironically is what your doing here. Its Like leaving the door open to your dorm, you do it because secretly in the back of your mind you hope someone comes by and looks in and if just for a moment recognizes that your doing something worth while.
I looked in your room (briefly) because the words “mary k sex toy parties” googled gives me your blog. I searched for these words because I was looking for information on sex parties. (I might be sounding creepy right about now) I did so because I was trying to discover the business structure that makes up sex toy parties. Your article talks about how creepy these ladies are, but you might want to take pity for a moment on the kind of environment that might bring someone to such a job. I say this because my friend is one and I’m looking into the business because I fear it’s a dead end road a pyramid scheme that makes its money off others like a vampire.
My friend lost her mother at a young age, her brother to suicide and her father passed away some time last year. She tries to be strong, she doesn’t drink or smoke “I don’t like losing control” she says. “You know Korn fell apart, the lead signer found god”. “I hate that… people finding god.” The conversation spiraled downhill as she asked if she was offending me. I found this amusing as at my college I’m considered unreligious. Its funny how my role often switches from beating down institutionalized Christianity to building it up depending on where I am.
I now had two “problems” (I beat myself up and down the “room” trying to confirm a persons life into the word “problem”) with my friend. My races, it tries to find solutions. To tell her that I believe that God isn’t Christianity, its what people think… (but I don’t know for sure? Its hard to bring another to peace when your not at peace your self)…. That this sex party thing was a bad idea, that it would end it nothing but dead ends. I read your article and I thought, if she thought like you it would be easy to explain to her all this…. And I stopped. I didn’t need to change what she was doing, I needed to change what she thought.. how she thought. I almost throw up the idea was so sick.
We may meet, though I highly doubt it and we will never know. (I toyed with the idea of attaching my name, but struck it down after a few moments) But it doesn’t stop that fact that in a very real sense I love you. Maybe I’m a sucker for the sentimental, maybe its because we will never meet that brings out my honesty. But the more I see of the world the more I know that each of us blessed (if there is indeed such a thing) with a better view of the world have a responsibility (calling of faith?) to something greater. And sometimes that means we don’t help our friends, sometimes that means we struggle over are studies. I might be able to bring my friend around if I devoted days, weeks… years.. might be able to free her from her shackles and hopefully in a way in which she did all the important steps her self… but then I wouldn’t be able to find myself and continue on my own journey, which I believe calls me towards somewhere far away…(Dark Tower, Miranda?!) And in the end the hardest thing to do isn’t to go back for a friend, its to go on and leave them to suffer.
Maybe this was all a giant waste of time. Maybe you will never read this. Maybe it won’t matter to you one bit. I’m carrying a mountain of Maybes on my back. I suppose we all are. But at least know this, leave your door open because what your doing is important.

Anonymous said...

Hello, I just read your blog and I am fascinated. Reading those naughty words was getting me all worked up. Could you possibly give me advice on how to please my husband? Recently, he has been falling asleep during my performance, and it hurts a lot. What would you suggest I do? Should I just give up on him and invest in a smiley animal "bullet" as you call it?

Anonymous said...

Saw your posting on Blogher and I HAD to reply. I've been to 2 sex-toy parties, and hosted one with my college roommates, and every single time we had an absolute blast. Creepy? A little. But if you can appreciate the humor in drinking bottles of wine and passing around sex toys with a room full of semi-strangers, a fun time will be had by all. I've never laughed so much, while learning about my female anatomy at the same time (on second thought, I probably have, but whatever).

Another trend in these parties is the food-tasting party. I recently attended one with my girlfriends, and you basically eat gourmet easy-to-cook food all night. I wrote about it in my blog (Curiosity and the Kat: Tastefully Simple). I highly recommend for all foodies!

Great blog! Looking forward to reading more!

erikaboo said...

Kate - cute blog name! Glad to hear about your sex-toy party experience. Your experience sounded like mine. I guess that though I had a good time, it was a little too much for me. To each her own, I suppose. Anyway, thanks for reading!

karen said...

bedroombuzz writes:
i have to comment on this. I am a romance consultant. ie I sell bedroom enhancements, toys. lotions, fantasy games, and the like. Before I did this for a living. I was a creative director for a reputable company.. laid off after having my first child I decided not to go back to corporate life. I decided to try to do something on my own at night that would be fun and earn some good money and let me stay home with the baby.

I started doing these "sex toy parties". I take a fun, and educational approach. I never use slang terms or use any personal experiences when talking about our products. I would never want the people at my parties to feel uncomfortable. The ladies at my shows have a good time. I do get lots of questions. I feel I am providing a service for ladies who might not otherwise get the opportunity to ask such questions, as it is so taboo in this society. I have been to parties where girls don't even know their own body parts.
I also like to think that we are helping relationships by helping people find ways to communicate better and to get closer. I had one lady in my order room that told me it was either a vibrator or an affair. Her husband suffers from ED, and she was too embarassed to go to the adult store. so you see it is not just about 'sex toys" but about enhancing peoples intimate experiences. My company does tasteful demonstrations. our catalogs are discrete no pornographic images. If you want to check out our products go to http://www.bedroombuzz.com. I have a large team that covers the US and Canada. so if you are curious and want to see for yourself look me up.

erikaboo said...

Karen, thanks for the info! It sounds like you are providing a great service to ladies (and their partners) in a tactful way!

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