10.23.2006

Because sometimes Phil needs a hand...

Sorry I have been bad about posting. You know the reasons - busy, nothing to say, Ugly Betty. It just wouldn't be a post from me if I didn't begin with profusely apologizing. So here it is: SorrySorrySorrySorrySorry. You know, waiting for a post from me is kind of like waiting to have sex until marriage. You don't know if you are ever going to get married, and even then, when you do, you never know how good is the sex really going to be. Waiting on posts from me is pretty much the same thing. Without all the sexual frustration.

So, this past weekend we had big plans, my friends. BIG PLANS. Eating, drinking, cornhole, football, candy corn, repeat and rinse. As many of you know, UT played this little no-name school, also known as Alabama. Who's ever heard of the "Tide?" What kind of mascot is that? For some reason, playing Alabama is kind of a big deal to UT. Something about a rivalry. I really have no idea.

The Knight's undergrad frat bros came into town to stay with us.

Here they are:



They are Bama fans.

In the spirit of kicking ass and taking names, the Knight and I had to do something.

Naturally we had to prepare for battle.

Naturally, we had to kick it up a notch.

Naturally, we had to get feisty.

So we came up with a plan.

Our plan was as follows:

METHODS OF ULTIMATE BAMA DESTRUCTION.

Preparing for BAMA BATTLE - Artsy Fartsy Style - PART I - Making Scary Faces.

Kids, here is my game face.

I recommend listening to SexyBack while you look at this picture.

Because not only am I striking fear in all Bama fans across the nation, I am also bringing...well, you can just fill in the blank.



Scared yet?

No?

Not even when pictured with the weapon of mass destruction in the foreground also known as my massive white purse?

What about when you take into consideration the scary alien plant-growth-sidekick to my left?

Still no?

Humph.

Fine then. Let me introduce you to the fiercest of the fierce, the scowliest of the scowl, the dirtiest of the dirty...

I give you the MUD MAN.



EEK! I know - you are probably cringing and shaking in a corner -

Especially when you view the navy stripes on his shoulders that bring extra POWER.

Those aren't part of his shirt.

They are lightning bolts the Knight harnessed and wrapped around his body.

You are probably shivering and wishing right now that you had never heard of artsy fartsy ... wishing you had Harry's invisibility cloak.

But it is gonna be okay.

It's just a picture.

And as long as you aren't a BAMA fan, viewing is not toxic. I think.

Alright. If that didn't scare you, then this next one will. This is UT's secret weapon. She might be pink and cute, but that is just a cover-up. Rub her the wrong way, and the claws come out.

People, meet ZOMBIE GRRL. One look from this creature, and you will melt into a puddle of human ... puddle.

FOLKS, I'm telling you, this face is probably what the guy in the Scream was looking at when he was getting painted..

This face:



Yikes! Bam! Bop! Squish! SMMmmmrmrr.

You are now a human puddle.

As you can see, Zombie Grrl also has a scary green plant-growth-sidekick. And a towel rack.

You are probably white with fright right now.

Okay, if you haven't keeled over dead yet.

Or you are a sucker for masochism, I present to you the DANGEROUS DUO -



Yes, I know we are intimidating.

Especially with the Orangeness. With water spots.

Yes, I know that we look like reverse raccoons.

Yes, I recognize that our faces are very dirty.

With a fancy smancy mud mask.

But when you live in Knoxville, even fancy smancy reverse raccoon inducing mud masks are scary to BAMA fans. Because BAMA fans are silly. And they are scared of Orangeness. And water.

Preparing for BAMA BATTLE - Artsy Fartsy Style - PART II - Eating Italian and Going to Toddy's.

After our initial attack of ferocity and monstrosity, we were hungry. So we decided to fuel up. Because even warriors have to eat some time.

We dined at the Power Ranger Savelli's Station - because they serve a krypton-free macrobiotic menu. And that's how we roll.

Here, the Knight's cousin joined us. He is not a weapon for UT. He is worse. He is an almost pharmacist. From Georgia.

His powers include pointing at objects and enlarging them to twice their size.

This is very helpful when you have gained weight and you need bigger pants.

This is also helpful when you live in a one bedroom apartment, but you are throwing a 200+ keg party.

Here is one such victim of his powers - the Vulnerable Calzone:



Amazing, isn't it?

And to think he looks so nice and unimposing.


But that is part of his attack.

He just smiles at you like he just brought you your newspaper and mowed your lawn and then BLAM!

Twice as big as before.

You better hope he doesn't point at your nose. Or your uvula. That would be sad.

So while the Pharmacist and the Mud Man were polishing their super intimidation powers, Daisy and I were using another power to lure Alabamians into defeat.

We smiled.

At each other.

The feminine mystique has never been so powerful.

Remember all of those Bama fans that I mentioned earlier? Well, at this point in the evening, they were mustering up the courage to stand up and try again. After falling down when looking at us and our scary faces. Even though they knew it was futile.

But then when we smiled.

At each other.



Well, they should have just thrown up their wrinkly hands (hello? they have been playing in the TIDE after all) and went home.

But they didn't.

Those little tenacious suckers.

Like leeches. Just like leeches.

They didn't run home at all.

Even when we pulled out all our threatening weapons.

Pictured here.


How could they resist wine?

And roses? Don't they know about the thorns?

What about the kissey-prints?

And the wedding bands? Just those two rings should have been enough to scare the beGeorge's out of them.

Maybe they didn't see the kissey-prints. Yes, that explains it.

The rest of the evening we tried ancestral war dances.



And baring our inner beaver teeth.



And at one point it looked like they might run away.

We thought we had them.



But no.

So, as you can see, we made a valiant effort. And that was just Friday night. We haven't even gotten to Saturday yet.

Preparing for BAMA BATTLE - Artsy Fartsy Style - PART III - Tailgating.

Now, if you think our efforts so far were weak, here's where we really get nasty.

In case you were wondering, UT Tailgates are serious business.

Especially at White Columns.

First, we donned more ORANGENESS.

And we put on our anti-Bama eye-protectors. Because sometimes, too much Crimson can make you sick.



We found one BAMA sucker separated from his migrating group.

We smoked him.



In case you were wondering, BAMA isn't even good when BBQ'ed.

Then the Knight got ugly.

With the bean bags.

He threw.



And threw.



And threw.



And by the time he was done, not a single Bama fan was standing nearby.

Because they were all at the game.

Where we had to drag the Knight to, because he is love with cornhole and did not want to leave.

FACEOFF - THE
BAMA BATTLE - Artsy Fartsy Style - PART IV - The Reckoning.

But we finally made it.

And it was beautiful.



Now, I'm not gonna lie.

Despite the Knight's, Daisy's, and my best efforts to intimidate BAMA, they were playing better than the VOLS. I know. I can barely write the words. But it's the truth.

In fact the first half was dreadful.

We were very bored.

See our boredness?



I apparently purse my lips when bored.

But then our awesome band came out and did the CIRCLE DRILL.



It cheered everyone up.

And things got better.

"How much better?" you ask.

Hmmm, are you really ready for the answer?

I'm not sure you're ready.

What have you done to deserve the ending of the story?

Okay, for goodness' sake - don't go googling it or anything.

I'll tell you.

Righhghghghghghght........

Now.

MUCH BETTER.



The (very happy and exciting) end!

1 comment:

joey said...

i think you've gone mad...

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