Finally, something to thank Eve for...
Hello friends! Hi! Did you miss me? I did. Miss me, that is. I still miss me. And I miss you! Did you know that lately I have been so busy I haven't had time to go shopping? Not even online! I used to be a professional online shopper. Now, I am below a novice. I'm like a belowvice. I remember the good ole' days when I was fun, happy, and fancy free. Full of creative ideas for new art projects. Excited about any upcoming events (weddings, birthdays, long weekends). Happy to have people over and cook big, delicious meals.
But these things? They aren't happening to me right now. Nope, right now I am a law school slave. But apparently, the master gave me a few minutes to scrawl some thoughts down on very important and pressing matters. Thanks, massuh!
So, what's been going on in my life lately? Well, first of all, it has been a month filled with birthdays.
First, the Knight's sister turned 30.
Then, the Knight turned 28.
Then, Daisy turned 25.
All of this happened in roughly two weeks. Evidently, most everyone that I am close to has parents who like to get busy around the same time. Ew.
I discovered that having a boy birthday sandwiched in between two girl birthdays creates a very interesting contrast between male and female human behavior. Allow me to explain:
Boys get one day to celebrate their birthdays. Boy birthdays involve presents, a cake, and possibly a pub crawl into the wee hours of the following morning. If they are lucky (or have women in their lives who are serious about birthdays), they may have a birthday which lasts for an entire weekend. Here is a typical boy celebration:
Cake? Check. Doting girlfriend? Check. Family gathered around the kitchen table? Check. Typical, run of the mill boy birthday celebration? Check.
Girls? Girls are different. I don't know about ya'll, but where I come from, it is kind of a fundamental rule that girls celebrate their birthdays for an entire month. Most of my friends and I have been raised to be marathoners. Birthday marathoners. For those of you who do not know what I am talking about, allow me to explain.
Here's what happens...about 3 weeks before the actual, official birthday, soon to be birthday girl looks at the calendar and says "oooh, its almost my birthday!" This realization starts the wonderful cycle of GIRL BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION.
The Knight made the foolish mistake of trying apply girl rules to his birthday. We were doing laundry, and I had asked him to go get the next round out of the dryer. He sweetly responded "but, it's my birthday." Ha ha. Good one. Okay, first of all, "but, it's my birthday" is my line. Only I can use it to get out of every unpleasant thing that occurs during the month of May. The only other people entitled to use such precious language must have a vagina. In case you were wondering, the Knight does not have one. So, he doesn't get to use it.
Second of all, when he was trying to use the aforementioned excuse, it was Sunday afternoon. His birthday was Friday. Two days prior to Sunday. And we had celebrated his birthday. Here is proof:
See? Here we are celebrating his birthday on his birth day.
After telling him that this time (and only this time) I would let his excuse work, he was violating all that was good and decent in the Land of BirthdayGirlDom.
The Knight proceeded to ask me why girls get a month to celebrate, but boys only get a day or two. I calmly explained that since we have to have periods, carry children in our bellies for nine months, and cannot get laid when we are 80 just because we are rich and powerful, we are entitled to a yearly month-long celebration of our birth. That he should be thankful that I am so loving that I let him celebrate for entire weekend. And that I'm sure that there are other reasons, but I wasn't thinking clearly, as I was beginning to wonder why we don't get an additional month to celebrate just for having to explain such a basic, fundamental idea.
And then I realized that I was folding laundry all by myself, because I had allowed the Knight to utilize my excuse, and then I decided I really deserve three months, because, for goodness sake, I am practically Mother Theresa here.
So, instead of giving him more reasons why we are entitled to month long birthdays, I launched into my speel of what exactly constitutes Girl Birthday Celebration. It is as follows:
First week fever:
Preparation for the first week includes going shopping because it is almost her birthday, going shopping because she needs to get a new outfit for her birthday, and going shopping because she's going to be a year older and the only thing that will make her feel better is going shopping. These shopping trips are NOT to be combined. No multi-tasking allowed. Also a big part of this preparation involves subtly reminding her close friends that her birthday is coming up and asking them what they should do for her birthday.
One week down, three to go!
On the second week, soon to be birthday girl branches out and begins subtly reminding acquaintances and distant relatives about the upcoming celebrations. Also, a couple nights of the week are devoted to going out for drinks with the girls because it is almost her birthday and pre-birthday celebration is a strict requirement. Naturally, these evenings out require additional birthday attire, so you guessed it, birthday girl has to go shopping again.
Also, if the birthday girl has a significant other, the gift/hint-dropping dramatically increases. If she is a true birthday marathoner, this hint-dropping started months ago and has gradually increased. However, this week marks a dramatic change in strategic hinting. While 4 months out, proper hinting constitutes an offhand remark while at the mall about how she loves sapphires, 2 weeks till the birthday requires leaving dog-eared catalogs containing various sapphire and diamond jewelry around the house, forgetting to close the internet browser so that when the next user comes along, a sapphire jewelry website is up, and pretending to be asleep while the significant other is awake and mumbling about "those pretty, blue, sparkly stones." Towards the end of the 2nd week, casually leaving a document on the kitchen counter entitled "My Very Important and Special Birthday Wish List" is perfectly acceptable and should be the custom.
One week till the big day! (why do we celebrate these only once a year?)
In the week leading up to the birthday, the soon to be birthday girl should have no household responsibilities whatsoever. (This is my personal favorite part of the birthday marathon.) The dishes need to be loaded? Well, too bad, because she can't -- it is almost her birthday. Laundry? What laundry? The soon to be birthday girl is blind to laundry. In fact, dirty laundry right before a birthday creates an emergency which can only be remedied by going shopping and purchasing new garments and household linens. Laundry indeed. Pshaw! Other responsibilities that are waived during the week before the birthday include driving long distances, paying bills, talking about un-fun things, and cleaning the bathroom. But what to do with all of this new time? Naturally, massages, facials, pedicures, manicures, other aesthetic pampering, and planning for the upcoming birthday bash must occur during this week in the time slots formerly reserved for mundane tasks.
Calories do not count in the week leading up to the birthday. All calories are distributed to her close friends. Starting with the skinniest ones. Also, birthday girl's friends must wait on the friend hand and foot, drive if they go out partying, promise to look cute -- but not cuter than the birthday girl, and basically live for the birthday girl's upcoming birthday. Also, the gift hinting continues.
Blow out those candles!
Okay, so the big day has arrived. First off, the significant other must be the first to say "Happy Birthday!" This should probably be followed with breakfast in bed and definitely flowers. Also, birthday sex. Once out of bed, the birthday girl does not have to go to work, school, or any other boring place. Only fun and jovial places today! All family and friends must call to wish her a Happy Birthday, or they will face the wrath of Sad and Unhappy Birthday Girl (experiencing such wrath is comparable to having toenails pulled out, alcohol poured over newly exposed toes, and being forced to ingest e-coli spinach. Very bad).
Birthday girl gets dressed in newly acquired birthday clothes in the shining sunlight of the most beautiful day of the year. She has perfect hair, perfect makeup, and absolutely no flaws. She does not look a year older. She is also 5 lbs leaner (thanks to her good calorie consuming friends!). Happy, colorful birds fly through the window, perch on her finger, and chirp a little birthday ditty. Basically she is Mary Poppins, practically perfect in every way. The rest of the day is spent getting her birthday mail (mostly comprised of birthday money and fabulous gifts), soaking up beautiful sunshine, watching Sex & the City, taking lavender bubble baths, eating calorie free chocolate truffles, and drinking wine.
Around 6:30, all of her closest friends and loved ones (minus the parents) kidnap her, shower her with gifts, put a tiara on her head, give her a feather boa (or a princess scepter) and take her out for a night of dancing, wild entertainment, fabulous food, and all the appletinis she can consume. Like all other birthday month celebrations, all of her friends look fabulous, but she still looks the best.
At the end of the evening, happy partied out birthday girl falls into bed, exhausted but utterly delighted with her perfect day.
Nope, not done yet! (post-birthday celebration)
Although most of the celebrating has taken place, the post-birthday glow is still quite wonderful. Birthday girl goes shopping with newly acquired birthday money, and still doesn't have to clean, take responsibility for calories, or do anything else that doesn't jive with the birthday girl's wishes. Also, if the birthday girl has not celebrated with her parents yet, now is the time. If the birthday girl is shrewd, she will find an ally whose birthday month is starting in the same week that hers is ending. This allows her to piggyback onto the new soon to be birthday girl's celebration without completely stealing new soon to be birthday girl's thunder.
After the birthday month has ended, birthday girl can rest. It is very exhausting to run the birthday marathon. But if she has done her job celebrating properly, she can rest assured that everyone will need at least a year to prepare for her next birthday.
So, in case you were wondering, that, my friends, is how you celebrate birthday's Erikaboo style. I guess for now, one month birthday celebration is enough. But, if you, dearest readers, have any ideas on how we can extend our birthday month, our time to celebrate, a girl's right to be selfish and giddy, please let me know. Because, while I don't have the time to even shop online, I might be able to squeeze out a drop of time to campaign for more birthday month!
Finally, something to thank Eve for...
So says Artsy Fartsy at 19.9.06