8.31.2006

Want to Go Fug Yourself this season? Go Shopping.

Apparently, I decided to take an unplanned, 2 week sabbatical from blogging. Also, apparently, that thing about "your first year, they scare you death, your second year, they work you to death, and your third year, they bore you to death" saying is not true. Not true at all. In fact, I am still scared, still working myself to death, and definitely not bored. This semester I am taking 16 hours including doing clinic, president of one club, articles editor for a journal, working for Bar-Bri, officer for another club, and involved in a couple of other kinds of time-consuming things. I feel like I am drowning. I have nightmares about losing my planner. Last semester I thought I was kind of busy. But now? Now I feel that last semester was about as busy as a swimsuit store in the middle of winter. I never see the Knight, and when I do, all I want to do is snuggle up to him and go to sleep. (yawn - so really? Who wants to read about my boring life? We are ALL SUPER-BUSY).

Since none of ya'll want to hear about my general whining about my life (b/c yes, I did bring pretty much all of this on myself, so I really have no place to complain), I am going to rant about something else. Something that has really been pressing on my mind. Something that really gets under my skin. Something that I have been pondering for several weeks and need to get off my unfortunately small chest. That something is FALL FASHION.

I must say that I am very disappointed in this season's fashion offerings. Very disappointed indeed. Did the fashion kingdom get together for a royal meeting and decide to develop a very wicked plan of attack against the normal female? I think they did. And by normal, I mean not painfully thin, not 8 feet tall, and not a close cousin of a gazelle in human form. Did they say, "Hey! Let's bring back every unflattering and confusing garment and try to make them cool again! Then we can sit back and laugh about the immense power we have over these fashion victim women!" (evil laughing ensues). It seems so, people. It seems so.

Proof of Wicked Plan #1: The Belted Blazer Over Multiple Layers of Clothing.
When did it become okay to put a belt over everything? Bulky sweater + thick blazer does not mean "Must add belt." Unless you have an extremely tiny waist, this belting business does not work. I understand that layering many clothes displays more of a designer's collection. But layering them, putting a blazer over it, and then adding a big leather belt. No. Not okay. Now, I am all for belts in the right places. I am okay with blazers that are belted appropriately. I adore belted trenchcoats. Sweet little bands around your waist in a summery dress...adorable. Skinny belts with a pair of great trousers? Fabulous. I will even venture to say that I liked the low, hip-slung belt phase. A little overtly trendy, but cute in a cavalier way. I don't even mind the idea of belting various and sundry garments, as long as it is done well. But belting over multiple layers of clothing? This is not a good idea. Ever. Even if you are 8 feet tall and weigh approximately 73 lbs. It even makes Giselle the Gazelle look fat.

Proof of Wicked Plan #2: The Great Shirt and Dress Switcheroo.
And while I'm raving, why are shirts getting even longer? I am not Gumby, and my torso can only stretch so far. I panic when I look at these long shirts. Is it a dress? Is it a shirt? Sneaky, sneaky article of clothing! The Pink Panther of clothing. What if it is a shirt, but I think it is a dress? Such a mistake would certainly cause my poor nanny to roll over in her perfectly accessorized grave. Oh the pain, the anguish, the embarrassment that I would suffer if I miscalculated and wore it the wrong way.

Proof of Wicked Plan #3: Leggings. Enough Said.
Also, what is with these leggings? Leggings? I mean, c'mon - leggings are an anomaly in the fashion world. What purpose do they serve? To provide warmth? Are they pantyhose for the flip flop advocates? Are they pants or are they tights? I do NOT like them. I know, I know - I have very close friends who wear them. You know who you are. I'm sorry. I am not judging you. I just do not like them. I will still be your friend. And I am certain that I wear many things that you leggings wearers abhor. But to me, leggings should be reserved for working out in cold weather or starring in Flashdance.

Going In For the Kill: Proof of Wicked Plan #4: Tight-Roll 2006.
Finally, the Skinny Jean. What the heck, people? Last time I checked, skinny jeans are an uncomfortably close cousin to the tight-roll -- something that should only be reproduced on two occasions:
1. Dressing for Halloween (i.e. trying to look late 1980's/early 1990's-ish)
2. While making up dances to New Kids On The Block's (NKOTB) song, "Hangin' Tough."

I'm pretty sure it is September (thus not the correct month for option number one). Granted, stores these days start advertising for holidays months in advance. BUT, I'm positive that Express and Guess don't sell Halloween costumes - so really, no need for the skinny jeans. Skinny jeans don't even really look good on the "legs that go on for miles" girls. And they certainly don't flatter people like me, who are shaped like an upside down spoon.

Second, while it would be oh, so awesome for more clothing stores to pipe over their speaker systems the honey-fied voices of Jordon, Jon, Joe, Danny and Donnie, stores just aren't doing it. And until I hear that NKOTB is making a comeback and they want me to be their "Cover Girl", I will not be donning the skinny jean.

As for me, I'll be sticking to the classics. Dark denim with either a straight or bootcut leg. Blazers, but no belt (unless the belt is in my actual beltloops or slung over a skirt). Shirts that are unambiguously shirts and dresses that are unquestionably dresses. And if I have to wear a pair of pantyhose or tights this season, you better believe that my pair will most definitely have the feet attached.

8 comments:

joey said...

why limit yourselt to dark denim? light denim can also work in a straight or bootcut leg! and dont forget denim gauchos!

erikaboo said...

Joey, Joey, Joey...Have you seen my butt? My hips? I try to stick to dark denim because to me, it is the denim version of the oh so slimming black pants. Light denim does not work the same magic. And you are right, I forgot about gauchos. Maybe I will post next about fashions which I at first abhorred and now adore (gauchos being one such article)!.

Anastasia said...

Yay! I'm so glad you're back! ...and about the leggings, I know. I bought a pair a month or so ago and every time I put them on I think, "Boy, does this look stupid," and change into something else.

Joey said...

sorry erika...i will start looking at your butt!

daisy said...

I love leggings & I'm not afraid to admit it. Judge away!

Sara said...

AMEN on the skinny jean. My biggest peave is to have socks showing while crossing my legs. Boot cut all the way for me!
Maybe the fashion kings were trying to find something that wouldn't hang off the anorexic hollywood people?

Mel said...

I have to say that my birthday trip to Macy's left me feeling ill. I agree that somehow, on my very favorite fashion season, everything has gone wrong.

I love your writing. Thanks for the laughs!

Anastasia said...

Erikaboo, where are you? Sniff-sniff. I put up pics of my new haircut yesterday. Yes, real deal pics of Ana! I'll probably take it down in a few days. Put down your books and come play!

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