Hi! Did you miss me? Really? Me too! It has been so lonely without all of you asking me about my towels and my nanny and saying "bless you" so quickly when I sneeze 17 times, in a row, very loudly, in the middle of class.
Good news - I found some allergy medicine that makes me feel better. It is generic, OTC stuff and I don't even have to sign my life away to purchase it (thanks to the meth boom) because it is pseudophedrine free (don't know if that is spelled right, but I am just too lazy to google it right now).
Okay - so do you really want to know how disgusting I am? Do you? Because if I tell you this, you have to promise me not to make fun of me in person. Because I am about to divulge to you a very deep, dark, embarrassing secret. If you tell, I will deny. I would deny so much that Jack Bauer would be proud. In fact, I would deny so well that he would take my classes on denial. Kicking butts and taking names. That's me people - if you tell my secret.
Promise? You will? Ah- hah! I see you back there- the red-headed one with his fingers crossed! No crosses count...OKAY HERE IT GOES- - - - - -
I ate candy out of my trash can. EEEEk. Don't tell anyone!!!!
Yeeeees, I know it is disgusting and ridiculous and shows how I obviously missed my calling as a homeless person. But let me at least explain.
I come from a very "healthy" family. And by healthy, I mean that food is that last thing we ever refrain from enjoying. All of the women in my family are extremely bootylicious (bless you Beyonce for making curves sexy again). We all got da booty (and the thighs) (and the fleshy arms) (and even the soft tummies). If the Renaissance look was in style, we would be supermodels.
Sooo - I have always been very careful about watching my weight and what I put in my mouth. When I got married, I gained some significant weight, and the last 2 years have been a constant battle of food v. image.
Okay - fast forward from last spring to this spring. Daisy and I started Weight Watchers and we were doing fairly well. Then we got back from Spring Break, discovered we were flat broke, and stopped paying to go weigh in. Which brings me to the here and now.
Yikes - I need to stay on the subject - candy in the trash.
Right. Okay, so I did WW with Daisy up until Spring Break. I lost about 8 lbs and was feeling pretty cute. Then I got back from Spring Break and have decided that evidently, since I am so skinny and everything, I can eat everything in sight and it won't affect little ole' me! Well, I have news for you - it has. Already. I feel chubby and disgusting. So, the last week, I have starting counting Points (the WW way to track your food) and steering clear of sweets and Cheetos. Sad.
Well, Tuesday night, Daisy and I fell off the bandwagon. We went on a candy frenzy and between the 2 of us, we bought Milk Duds, Raisinettes, Reese's Pieces, movie theater popcorn, sea salt and olive oil potato chips, and CANDY CORN! And then we proceeded to eat it. All.
Candy corn is our ultimate weakness, and I am truly convinced that it solves several life and world problems. Misguided boyfriends, disloyal friends, ill relatives - all problems go away when candy corn enters the room. If only terrorists were appeased by the little triangular pieces of orange tinted happiness. Sigh.
Okay, so Daisy had bought me a bag of candy corn because she loves me. And I loved her until I got to my apartment and realized it was just me and the candy corn. Face to face. A colossal dual. This is how it went down:
Boo and Candy Corn - A One Act Play
Scene I - The Meeting
(Italian duel music in background - Erikaboo and Candy Corn circle one another, eyeing each other very suspiciously)
Boo: Candy Corn, I see it is just you and me.
Candy Corn (CC speaks in an Italian accent): Yezzz, zeet eez juast youz and mez.
Boo: What do you think we should do?
CC: I zink you should eat mez.
Boo: I don't think I should - you are such a temptation and you make me so unhappy when I step on the scale and see the weight I have gained.
Scene II - The Tempting
CC: Do not be zilly, my zweet dahling. Youz luff me. I make youz happy. Youz are alwayz sooo delighted when you zee my lufly orange package.
Boo: You do have a point there.
CC: Besides, do youz not zee on my package - RRRight here? I ziz "fat free." Zeee, my dahling - not a problem for you anymore!
Boo: Well, fat is a main concern, but what about calories?
CC: Calories. Wh-at are zoze? I zee no calories on me. Are zey a type of leetle bug?
Boo: Sigh. No - they are part of what gives us energy and if consumed in excess, make us fat.
CC: Ah, bella, zee answer ziz zimple. Do not eat me in excezz. Then you have no problem.
Scene III - Will She Give In?
(Boo picks up Candy Corn and lovingly cradles him in her arms, considering...)
Boo: (thoughtfully) You are the Casanova of Candy! You are the Sweetest of Sweets. You do taste decadently wonderful. And you don't have that many calories. I could always just run more tomorrow.
CC: Zat is right, my dahling. I am the Cazanova of Candy. One night with me ziz worth a year'z worth of extra running.
SCENE IV - THE RECKONING
Boo: (envisioning self running an extra year for one night of passion) No! I can't. Because I can't resist you, I must rid myself of you! We cannot be together anymore! Good bye my Casanova! Good bye my love!
(Boo dramatically sweeps the bag off the counter, grabs the scissors, cuts the bag, and dumps the candy into the full trashcan, right on top of a bunch of discarded magazines.)
Okay, so that is how it happened. That is how my candy got in the trash. Technically, it wasn't really in the trash. It was on the top of the trash - mostly on top of some discarded magazines. So, there Mr. Casanova sat all night and day. Taunting me. Luring me near him. "Hellooo, me bella. Come and enjoyz mez. I am delish-iouz."
I should have taken the magazines and dumped the candy into the dark depths of the trash can, but for some reason I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
Yesterday (Wednesday), Casanova was still there. And I didn't touch it all day. In fact, it didn't even cross my mind that he was still present. Until about 12:30 at night.
I was working on an assignment (last minute as usual) and was struck with an insatiable craving for sugar. First I raided my pantry, but because I am such a good dieter, it was all gone. I considered eating a big spoonful of brown sugar, but thought that would be just disgusting. In my third swoop in the kitchen, it hit me ---- the candy corn. Sitting there, looking as innocent as can be.
I remember thinking to myself "Really, self? Are you really going to consider eating disposed candy?" and then self decided "Yep!"
It was just a little handful carefully picked off of the top. It was about as unhygenic as eating candy out of a candy bowl. Regardless of how I justify it, the fact still remains that I still ate candy out of the trash. And I gave in to the Casanova of Candy.
The moral of the story: If you don't want me to eat your candy corn, putting it in the trash is not the solution. Possibly flushing it down the toilet might work, but I wouldn't bet on it. Possibly you could lock it in a safe. Maybe throwing it in a nest of spiders or roaches. Yes, I think that could work. I hate spiders and roaches far more than I love candy corn. And that is some strong hate, my friends.
Okay - bye for now. But remember - you promised. Not a soul. Shhh!